People today are more health conscious than ever. Because of this, even food traditionally considered healthy has to re-market themselves with a health edge to be appealing in a supermarket. This takes the form of slogans and text bubbles on packagings that tell you a food is "rich in Vitamin E" or "a good source of Iron". Honestly I prefer them saying things like "this tastes damn good" or "you won't die from eating this" or "just buy some vitamin supplements and you can eat this guilt free!"

The irony of this trend is that most people still don't fully understand how eating Vitamin E actually affects your body other than "well, I was told by my parents and teachers and friends that it's a good thing to eat, so maybe I should". Also, when a product is "rich" in vitamin the amount usually sums up to less than a fraction of the 'stuff' that makes up the food, so they should say "proportionally rich".

But why waste packaging ink to over-report your food or drink's contents, when you could let its name reflect what it contains (e.g. fried rice contains rice, and watermelon contains water)?

In this spirit, I decided to rename some food and drinks to be more biochemically correct based on what molecules they are known to be "rich" in. I'm not even going to explain them too much because that might ruin the fun. When confused, go ask your local biochem majors/nutritionists and see if they can work it out.

PoNaCl Chips

High in salt.


Rich source of potassium.


Excellent source of Calcium. An even more direct name might also be "CaCow"


For those who can't drink cow milk, try goat milk. Alternate name: "GoatCa"


Daily source of Vitamin C.


High on sugar


Your daily caffeine

Canned Tuhgna (pronounced with silent h and g)

People always complain about mercury in fish, but canned tuna is reported to actually contain less mercury due to the variety that is usually used for canning, that's why it's silent here

Fresh CH-CH-CH-CHalmon

High in omega-3 fatty acids

Fresh CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CHuna

Even higher in omega-3 fatty acids


Aside from Nicotine (CHNO), these things are known to have loads of carcinogens such as Polycyclic Aromatic Hydrocarbons, Acrolein and Nitrosamines (source: wikipedia). I don't really understand what they are, how they work, or their lethality, but their molecules are made up of bonded Carbon, Hydrogen and Oxygen atoms like most other organic foods, so I decided they need an obscure name with those messed up structures. Not only will it deter biochem illiterates from buying it, but even for the most determined addicts they won't be able ask for it at the shops.

And finally,
the most important thing we consume is water,
which is made up of the molecule H20.
So from this day forth, it shall be known as


I need my cappuchno